and no, we're done

[harborshore]

This post touches at something that has bothered me since last summer. Namely, weight discussions in this fandom and how not okay it is to, as sunsetmog puts it, equate "weight with someone's happiness" and evaluate someone's health based on how his clothes fit. No. Fuck no. And please don't tweet them and ask about it. PLEASE. I get that it would be done out of concern, but.

In order to explain why that would be bad, I'm going to do that thing I do when I talk about myself in order to make a point, because it's a "text" that is fair to use. However, I'm not the point of the discussion and it obviously applies to wider problems than the current discussion at hand. Trigger warning for discussion of weight issues.



In the summer of 2009, as a lot of you know, while visiting my ex in Asia, I got sick. They never figured out what it was, but it involved problems with my digestive system, a fair amount of pain, bouts of fever and aches, etc. It went on for about a month before going away, and then it came back in December of the same year, and I've had short and small relapses off and on since then. I'm a lot better today, even if I still have to be careful about eating enough of some things in order to stay functional (it's kind of like how pneumonia can leave you with sensitive lungs, my doctor said).

But when it was at its worst, I lost a lot of weight. Something like 25 pounds, if I had to guess, though I never weighed myself. For obvious reasons. Because it quickly became evident to me that

a) some people were going to compliment me, which was bothersome because I couldn't eat and really wanted to and somehow the compliments made it sound like I shouldn't be eating if this was the result,

b) some people were going to think I was getting an eating disorder and tell me so, which was also hard because at the time I really wasn't and I wanted to eat but the incessant discussion of it was very very pervasive,

c) I really didn't need a specific number to measure myself against because there was no way I wasn't going to gain weight again. Because the weight I lost I lost while I wasn't eating. That weight will always always come back.

It's been a year since my last major relapse. I've gained some of the weight back. Enough that it bothers me sometimes, because that's the nature of the beast and when you've noticed yourself slipping closer to some sort of fucked-up ideal of your body looking like--I don't know, it's work to reconcile yourself to the way you look now. Which, okay, if majorly fucked, because people who haven't seen me in a while still notice the weight loss and I have to preempt the compliments/concerns by rehashing the illness AGAIN. Before they can say more than "Wow, you've lost weight".

And so the point, because this isn't actually about me: fluctuations in weight happen for many reasons. In my case, it was an unidentified tropical virus, but it was interpreted as everything under the sun by the world, and that was hard. Just seeing me made people assume things, people who knew me and people who didn't, and that was--I'm not a fan. My sister spent half an hour discussing my supposed weight issues with me (ETA: after seeing me for the first time in months, so she hadn't observed me around food as much as she was noticing my dramatic weight loss) and I was really anguished by the end, because she knows me better than pretty much anyone, and surely if she says I have food issues, I have them?

But no. I was in pain. I'm mostly not anymore, and I fluctuate between being careful and going "fuck it!" and having a hamburger at the airport and then it's the best thing in the whole world and I can take a little pain because I have reserves if I'm careful sometimes. But it's work, it's hard work to keep enjoying food, and to keep from being anxious about it (because I was when every bite hurt to get down), and most people don't help.

So please. Stop. And please don't twitter Zack or Spencer or Brendon or Dallon or anyone and ask, because I will bet you anything that a flood of people already have. And don't ask why he isn't smiling where he can see it either, because--just don't.

In short, it's very difficult to gauge whether or not someone's weight fluctuations depend on their health (or how they depend on their health), and sometimes even knowing them super well isn't enough. So be careful with yourself and with others, whether they're people you know or not.

Comments

[ohohstarryeyed.livejournal.com]

*hugs* This is a great post. &you;

[eledhwenlin]

*hugs*

I seem to have missed this entire discussion.

[mrsquizzical.livejournal.com]

i apologise if any of my posts/comments have been triggery and/or insensitive. i wasn't aware of this angle. now i am.

[anoneknewmoose.livejournal.com]

Yes yes yes. ♥

(Not to play misery Olympics, but this happened a lot on the MCR side too last year when Gerard revealed his ~new body~. It happens a lot with Frank, too, who has serious medical issues that we all know about and yet fangirls still do the concern trolling. It's really enraging.)

WARNING: ED and weight details

[cidercupcakes.livejournal.com]

Co-fucking-signed, thank you. My mother says she has a policy of never commenting on weight loss, because there's always the chance that the answer to "what did you do?" will be "chemo". There are many, many reasons someone could have lost a lot of weight in a short period, some of them coming from deliberate choices and some of them really not, and even leaving aside the issue of body-policing, it's just freaking rude, because there's every chance the cause might be something they don't particularly want to talk about.

(For that matter, being constantly told "what the hell is wrong with you? You're too skinny, eat something!" by friends was not really helpful when my ED was at its most intense. Shaming me for starving myself down to weight in the double digits: a completely effective solution to countering the body-shaming society at large was giving me for not looking like that! In no way would it leave me with the conclusion that no matter what I did my body was disgusting and worthless and I could not possibly win. Even when the reason someone is super-skinny actually is ED rather than the many many other things that could have weight loss as a side effect, more body-shaming is not helpful.)

[torakowalski.livejournal.com]

♥ This post is a good post.

[nahemaraxe.livejournal.com]

*fistbump* Oh yeah. It took me thyroid pills to gain a little weight two years ago, but every doctor who saw me and tried to figure out why I wouldn't gain with food always assumed I had an ED. It was just easier, you know? No matter if my bloodwork had always been perfect (except for when they checked T3-T4 at last, of course) and I was feeling alright.

When I got pregnant, I first lost a bunch of kg due to hyperemesis gravidarum, but of course it had to be me not eating. Suuuure. As if I could ever put my baby's life in danger by not eating - and what for anyway? Even after I delivered my beautiful, healthy and by no means small son they had to double test my blood to see if everything was in order. And surprise, surprise, it was.

Now I'm back again at my previous weight (shit. I really hoped to keep most of it), maybe a little less since an awful indigestion (please to be notice the irony here) kicked me in the ass last Monday, and my son's pediatrician has been dangling formula over my head for quite a while, since 'my milk can't be that nutrient'.

For fuck's safe. Time to find another pediatrician for me and to stop being ignorant judgey assholes for people in general.

[almostblue.livejournal.com]

♥ ♥ ♥

[mahoni.livejournal.com]

Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes.

[inlovewithnight.livejournal.com]

This isn't a topic I can engage with with any degree of grace or rationality, so I'm just going to say thank you.

[roadmarks.livejournal.com]

Motherfucking SERIOUSLY. I was really sick for the first few months of last year and I lost around 15-20 pounds fairly suddenly. I was in constant pain all the time, and if I complained at all to some of my family (not the family I live with, thankfully) all I would get was "Well, you LOOK fantastic, look at all that weight you've lost!" which was the triple whammy of "You weighed too much before," "Being thin is more important than being healthy," and "You can't possibly be that sick because you don't look sick."

And then on the other hand, there were people who were positive I was binging and purging, and that my sickness was mostly faked so I could get away with it and have an excuse for throwing up. There's just... no way to win, ugh.

Basically: YES, THIS. This is (obviously) something I'm really sensitive about and some of the comments I've been seeing lately have been really disheartening. Thanks for this post, bb. ♥

[egelantier.livejournal.com]

i'm sorry people are assholes, bb. *hugs*

aside from general inappropriateness of discussing somebody's weight separately and in relation to their mental/physical state that you're absolutely right about, there's a serious line between speculating about somebody based on their public messages (as eledhwenlin said above, that's what we do here: oh, ryan and spencer and brendon had a dinner together, are they friends still/again?) and bringing this speculation directly to them like these people who apparently tweet them about their weight (what the everloving fuck, seriously) or 'ryden exists' or mental state or whatever. either you're seeing them as characters based on their public personas, in which case mind the fourth wall, or you're seeing them as people, in which case mind their motherfucking privacy. this is just - beyond the pale.

[sullen-hearts.livejournal.com]

Yes. Just. Yes.

I am fat. I am okay with that. I also believe that it is not my job to police anyone's body. What is so difficult about that?

[desfinado.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing this, and reminding us to be mindful ♥