on eating in company

[harborshore]

Short meta on eating and the pressure women put on one another. As usual, I'm starting from myself, I make no claim to have all the answers, and I'm very open to be disagreed with. Warnings: mention of very severe eating disorder without discussing it in detail.

ETA: as unlurkster points out, this isn't even about weight, so I took the word out of the first sentence above.



There was a moment during the Israel trip that I particularly liked: Saturday night, when sitting down to dinner with four other women in all shapes and sizes and ordering food, I suddenly realized none of us had made a comment sounding anything like "I really want that, but I shouldn't--" or "Are you sure you want to eat that?" and fuck, it was such a relief. We just ordered! One of us had a tofu salad, one of us had lasagna, one of us had pasta, one of us had a goat cheese sandwich (ME, and it was EXCELLENT), and one of us had vegetable soup. It was done, just like that.

Because this isn't about what you eat. This is about judging someone else based on what they're eating or feeling like you're failing at something because you're on a diet or because you're not on a diet, because I just--every woman I know has some kind of body image issue. Every woman I know. They range in severity, but still. We really could stand to skip the part where we make each other feel guilty about what we eat (the lunches at my old job, for instance, were hell on earth), because the last thing we need is to make food more difficult.

I recognize the incredible privilege I've had of growing up in a house where food was a joyful thing, a healthy thing, something we loved and enjoyed. Dad's sister nearly died from anorexia when she was sixteen and mom was a dancer--those two things together made them try very hard to keep food being not scary. I wish I could give others that feeling. Barring empathy manifesting as a Heraldic power (yes, I read Mercedes Lackey at fourteen), I want to ask at least this much: is there a way that we can keep from making it worse for others? Accept people's food choices, let them eat without feeling guilty about it being a salad/a hamburger/a dessert? Maybe?

Comments

[r1cepudding.livejournal.com]

*throws confetti*

I'm very lucky because my circle of female friends, with whom I am likely to eat as a social activity, don't do this. We can bring each other home-baked goods when we visit AND cheer each other on if we're dieting. IT'S LIKE A MIRACLE. But I have experienced it many times before.

As I'm sure you know, this is the part that really resonated with me:

This is about judging someone else based on what they're eating or feeling like you're failing at something because you're on a diet or because you're not on a diet

It's similar to how I sometimes feel when I read political blogs. I'm not a bad feminist because I get my eyebrows shaped and I'm not betraying my fat sisters if I decide to drop a few pounds. We get enough shit from everyone else, we can't cut each other a break?

[harborshore.livejournal.com]

Yes, my female friends are mostly like that too. Thankfully. The saddest part, though, is when they get affected by their environments, like this girl who started to work at my old job, and after three months, she sounded just like the rest. Brainwashing at its finest.

And I just wish people would learn the fine line between discussing a tendency they find problematic (waxing, just as an example) and saying people who do it are dumb/bad feminists/etc. The distinction is pretty fucking crucial. We get enough shame and guilt from the world around us as it is.