on eating in company

[harborshore]

Short meta on eating and the pressure women put on one another. As usual, I'm starting from myself, I make no claim to have all the answers, and I'm very open to be disagreed with. Warnings: mention of very severe eating disorder without discussing it in detail.

ETA: as unlurkster points out, this isn't even about weight, so I took the word out of the first sentence above.



There was a moment during the Israel trip that I particularly liked: Saturday night, when sitting down to dinner with four other women in all shapes and sizes and ordering food, I suddenly realized none of us had made a comment sounding anything like "I really want that, but I shouldn't--" or "Are you sure you want to eat that?" and fuck, it was such a relief. We just ordered! One of us had a tofu salad, one of us had lasagna, one of us had pasta, one of us had a goat cheese sandwich (ME, and it was EXCELLENT), and one of us had vegetable soup. It was done, just like that.

Because this isn't about what you eat. This is about judging someone else based on what they're eating or feeling like you're failing at something because you're on a diet or because you're not on a diet, because I just--every woman I know has some kind of body image issue. Every woman I know. They range in severity, but still. We really could stand to skip the part where we make each other feel guilty about what we eat (the lunches at my old job, for instance, were hell on earth), because the last thing we need is to make food more difficult.

I recognize the incredible privilege I've had of growing up in a house where food was a joyful thing, a healthy thing, something we loved and enjoyed. Dad's sister nearly died from anorexia when she was sixteen and mom was a dancer--those two things together made them try very hard to keep food being not scary. I wish I could give others that feeling. Barring empathy manifesting as a Heraldic power (yes, I read Mercedes Lackey at fourteen), I want to ask at least this much: is there a way that we can keep from making it worse for others? Accept people's food choices, let them eat without feeling guilty about it being a salad/a hamburger/a dessert? Maybe?

Comments

[torakowalski.livejournal.com]

I'm lucky because the people I eat out with never do this. In fact, until I read this, I didn't know that non-family members did do this. But I grew up with my dad telling me not to eat cake/chocolate/biscuits/whatever because I'd get fat and in our home there was no other option except 'unhealthy' food to snack on (my parents didn't start buying fruit until I was about 16 and begged them for it) so my choices were eat the food my dad was making me feel guilty about or... don't eat anything. I went for the don't eat anything option and ended up with an eating disorder at eight and then again at fifteen.

So uh, yes, hi, I support this post!

[harborshore.livejournal.com]

I am so HORRIFIED by the idea that family members would do this! *hugs you* You're not the only one in the comments to mention that, which is just, oh, darling, that's awful. And it really is that affecting, telling people not to eat things or making them feel guilty about doing it or just---guilt and shame are such insidious emotions, fuck.

♥