harborshore (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
harborshore) wrote2011-01-30 01:23 pm
harborshore) wrote2011-01-30 01:23 pm
Entry tags:
and no, we're done
This post touches at something that has bothered me since last summer. Namely, weight discussions in this fandom and how not okay it is to, as ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sunsetmog puts it, equate "weight with someone's happiness" and evaluate someone's health based on how his clothes fit. No. Fuck no. And please don't tweet them and ask about it. PLEASE. I get that it would be done out of concern, but.
In order to explain why that would be bad, I'm going to do that thing I do when I talk about myself in order to make a point, because it's a "text" that is fair to use. However, I'm not the point of the discussion and it obviously applies to wider problems than the current discussion at hand. Trigger warning for discussion of weight issues.
In the summer of 2009, as a lot of you know, while visiting my ex in Asia, I got sick. They never figured out what it was, but it involved problems with my digestive system, a fair amount of pain, bouts of fever and aches, etc. It went on for about a month before going away, and then it came back in December of the same year, and I've had short and small relapses off and on since then. I'm a lot better today, even if I still have to be careful about eating enough of some things in order to stay functional (it's kind of like how pneumonia can leave you with sensitive lungs, my doctor said).
But when it was at its worst, I lost a lot of weight. Something like 25 pounds, if I had to guess, though I never weighed myself. For obvious reasons. Because it quickly became evident to me that
a) some people were going to compliment me, which was bothersome because I couldn't eat and really wanted to and somehow the compliments made it sound like I shouldn't be eating if this was the result,
b) some people were going to think I was getting an eating disorder and tell me so, which was also hard because at the time I really wasn't and I wanted to eat but the incessant discussion of it was very very pervasive,
c) I really didn't need a specific number to measure myself against because there was no way I wasn't going to gain weight again. Because the weight I lost I lost while I wasn't eating. That weight will always always come back.
It's been a year since my last major relapse. I've gained some of the weight back. Enough that it bothers me sometimes, because that's the nature of the beast and when you've noticed yourself slipping closer to some sort of fucked-up ideal of your body looking like--I don't know, it's work to reconcile yourself to the way you look now. Which, okay, if majorly fucked, because people who haven't seen me in a while still notice the weight loss and I have to preempt the compliments/concerns by rehashing the illness AGAIN. Before they can say more than "Wow, you've lost weight".
And so the point, because this isn't actually about me: fluctuations in weight happen for many reasons. In my case, it was an unidentified tropical virus, but it was interpreted as everything under the sun by the world, and that was hard. Just seeing me made people assume things, people who knew me and people who didn't, and that was--I'm not a fan. My sister spent half an hour discussing my supposed weight issues with me (ETA: after seeing me for the first time in months, so she hadn't observed me around food as much as she was noticing my dramatic weight loss) and I was really anguished by the end, because she knows me better than pretty much anyone, and surely if she says I have food issues, I have them?
But no. I was in pain. I'm mostly not anymore, and I fluctuate between being careful and going "fuck it!" and having a hamburger at the airport and then it's the best thing in the whole world and I can take a little pain because I have reserves if I'm careful sometimes. But it's work, it's hard work to keep enjoying food, and to keep from being anxious about it (because I was when every bite hurt to get down), and most people don't help.
So please. Stop. And please don't twitter Zack or Spencer or Brendon or Dallon or anyone and ask, because I will bet you anything that a flood of people already have. And don't ask why he isn't smiling where he can see it either, because--just don't.
In short, it's very difficult to gauge whether or not someone's weight fluctuations depend on their health (or how they depend on their health), and sometimes even knowing them super well isn't enough. So be careful with yourself and with others, whether they're people you know or not.
sunsetmog puts it, equate "weight with someone's happiness" and evaluate someone's health based on how his clothes fit. No. Fuck no. And please don't tweet them and ask about it. PLEASE. I get that it would be done out of concern, but. In order to explain why that would be bad, I'm going to do that thing I do when I talk about myself in order to make a point, because it's a "text" that is fair to use. However, I'm not the point of the discussion and it obviously applies to wider problems than the current discussion at hand. Trigger warning for discussion of weight issues.
In the summer of 2009, as a lot of you know, while visiting my ex in Asia, I got sick. They never figured out what it was, but it involved problems with my digestive system, a fair amount of pain, bouts of fever and aches, etc. It went on for about a month before going away, and then it came back in December of the same year, and I've had short and small relapses off and on since then. I'm a lot better today, even if I still have to be careful about eating enough of some things in order to stay functional (it's kind of like how pneumonia can leave you with sensitive lungs, my doctor said).
But when it was at its worst, I lost a lot of weight. Something like 25 pounds, if I had to guess, though I never weighed myself. For obvious reasons. Because it quickly became evident to me that
a) some people were going to compliment me, which was bothersome because I couldn't eat and really wanted to and somehow the compliments made it sound like I shouldn't be eating if this was the result,
b) some people were going to think I was getting an eating disorder and tell me so, which was also hard because at the time I really wasn't and I wanted to eat but the incessant discussion of it was very very pervasive,
c) I really didn't need a specific number to measure myself against because there was no way I wasn't going to gain weight again. Because the weight I lost I lost while I wasn't eating. That weight will always always come back.
It's been a year since my last major relapse. I've gained some of the weight back. Enough that it bothers me sometimes, because that's the nature of the beast and when you've noticed yourself slipping closer to some sort of fucked-up ideal of your body looking like--I don't know, it's work to reconcile yourself to the way you look now. Which, okay, if majorly fucked, because people who haven't seen me in a while still notice the weight loss and I have to preempt the compliments/concerns by rehashing the illness AGAIN. Before they can say more than "Wow, you've lost weight".
And so the point, because this isn't actually about me: fluctuations in weight happen for many reasons. In my case, it was an unidentified tropical virus, but it was interpreted as everything under the sun by the world, and that was hard. Just seeing me made people assume things, people who knew me and people who didn't, and that was--I'm not a fan. My sister spent half an hour discussing my supposed weight issues with me (ETA: after seeing me for the first time in months, so she hadn't observed me around food as much as she was noticing my dramatic weight loss) and I was really anguished by the end, because she knows me better than pretty much anyone, and surely if she says I have food issues, I have them?
But no. I was in pain. I'm mostly not anymore, and I fluctuate between being careful and going "fuck it!" and having a hamburger at the airport and then it's the best thing in the whole world and I can take a little pain because I have reserves if I'm careful sometimes. But it's work, it's hard work to keep enjoying food, and to keep from being anxious about it (because I was when every bite hurt to get down), and most people don't help.
So please. Stop. And please don't twitter Zack or Spencer or Brendon or Dallon or anyone and ask, because I will bet you anything that a flood of people already have. And don't ask why he isn't smiling where he can see it either, because--just don't.
In short, it's very difficult to gauge whether or not someone's weight fluctuations depend on their health (or how they depend on their health), and sometimes even knowing them super well isn't enough. So be careful with yourself and with others, whether they're people you know or not.
no subject
But what I also see mentioned a lot is not speculating about his state of happiness based on whether or not he's smiling in pictures, and that kind of escapes me.
The problem with that is sort of inherent in what you say there: speculating about someone's emotional state based on pictures. It's not that I don't understand feeling a little worried about them when they look pale and tired--and I do think Brendon looks pale and tired too--but they looked exactly the same in the studio pictures. Everything we've heard about the recording of this album tells us it was a stressful process, and we know FBR considers Panic one of their bigger bands. I don't see the point of further speculation about Spencer's emotional state beyond that, like if he's broken up with his girlfriend or something, I don't even know.
And so part of it is my RPS line--I'm not okay with the really invasive tone that the discussion about his emotional state tends to take. That's not--he's a person. Being in the public eye doesn't take away one's right to have emotions in private.
(A weight-positive challenge would be cool! You should do that. I'd even more like to see more discussion of How To Write Naked People Like Real People Without It Being Idealized Or Offensive, because we do write about characters who don't necessarily fit the perfect body mold (Pete/Patrick was an enormous pairing, after all), but we don't always describe their bodies in the way they actually look.)
no subject
'm not okay with the really invasive tone that the discussion about his emotional state tends to take. That's not--he's a person. Being in the public eye doesn't take away one's right to have emotions in private.
WORD. That is a lesson many people don't seem to get. They get to choose what they want to show us. I mean, some of them do. Pete would surely love to get rid of all the paparazzis. /o\
(I really like descriptions of people's bellies. I could spend hours reading that. Damn, now I want fic where Brendon bites down gently on Spencer's hipbones and noses his stomach and kisses his thighs and is all starry-eyed about Spencer. Universe, get on with that.)