harborshore (
harborshore) wrote2009-03-31 08:43 pm
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
more than this
I'm trying to write down my reaction to "Pretty Good for a Girl", and I just can't. It's straight-up joy laced with so much anger, it's all the women I love in one long list inside my head and all the words I ever tried to put to music fighting to get out at once.
I've been a singer since I was two. That's something I say to people when they ask why I never tried smoking; that's something I say when someone wants to know what my hobbies or interests are, outside of academia and writing or whatever job I'm applying to at the moment. I've been singing since I was two, I've sung other people's songs on stage at graduations and larger concerts and outdoor music festivals. I'm not going to lie or pretend to be shy about it, not here, not right now: I'm good at it. I make stories real, on stage. It's similar to what makes me a good teacher—performance is about forgetting yourself and remembering that no matter what, the story is more important than you are.
Something else that people ask is why I never started a band. I usually laugh off that question, claiming my attention span was always too short to learn an instrument, and that my double-jointed fingers make it really complicated (and sometimes painful) to play piano or guitar. That's all true. But I know that's not the real reason.
As long as I don't turn my poems into songs, as long as I don't finish them, as long as I don't stand up on that stage with those words that are mine, I can keep hiding. Because here's the thing: I'm scared. I don't think I'm good enough, or pretty enough, or assertive enough. I don't think I could find a band who would want to make music for my lyrics, or even play my songs. Because I do write songs, I just pretend I don't.
I'm not writing that here because I want you to tell me that I am good enough/interesting enough/pretty enough. At this point, no one is more aware than I am that my self-image is a little out of whack. Trust me when I say I'm working on it, and anyway, that's not the point, not right now.
The point is that talented women are always scared. Talented women are always told they're not good enough or pretty enough to stand on the same stage as that man up there. We're taught to want them, not want to be them. I'm not ashamed to be a fan: I love this fandom and I'm really glad I discovered My Chemical Romance at the time that I did. I love that they exist, because they're fucking awesome and their music makes me so happy, and I'm profoundly grateful that they make it really fucking clear that they're feminists. I appreciate that in a band I love. It makes me less likely to get randomly nauseated by unexpected misogynist statements in interviews. (Ask me some other time about loving Bob Dylan's music but having tremendous issues with him as a person.)
At roughly the same time as I found Gerard Way and his merry band of darlings, I found the Dresden Dolls and Indigo Girls and Vienna Teng and Bikini Kill. I already knew about Ani DiFranco and Aretha Franklin and Beverley Knight and the Corrs and Adele and Alanis Morrisette and The Be Good Tanyas and Joan Baez and Fiona Apple and Christina Aguilera and Emmylou Harris and Eva Cassidy and Garbage and Hole and Janis Joplin and Melinda Doolittle and Joni Mitchell and Kate Bush and Lauryn Hill and Nina Simone. (Let's call these lists non-exhaustive, shall we?)
You know who else I found out about? Yeah. That bassist who plays in that crazy band and gets on stage to, as she puts it, make "being a woman in music seem a little less unusual and perhapes open the door to thinking it's something you could do too."
Lyn-Z Ballato, if I do start that band, it'll be because I heard you, more than I've heard anything anyone has said to me in the two years since I graduated college. In another interview, you said "Be the kind of woman you want to be, and be free to be that." I heard that too, and I've been walking taller since.
I lost track of my point again. What I meant to say when I started, is that women deserve a place in the scene. As fanfic writers, we are in some ways writing ourselves a less misogynist, more permissive, less homophobic space than the one that actually exists. And that's good, I love that, I love rewriting reality and I think it does create something real, but there's no reason that we can't have the rest as well.
Come to think of it, I shouldn't even have to say we deserve a place in the scene, behind the scenes, on the fucking stage if we want to be there. I don't even want to tell everyone to start a band (that's not the point either) but I do want, oh do I want, for all the talented women I keep meeting to realize that they are good enough to be up there. And let's take the metaphorical stage to mean whatever venue you want, shall we? An art gallery, a publishing company, a stage, it doesn't even matter. If you dream of creating something, then do it. Do it. I will buy it; I bet people on your flist will. There is no reason, no reason, that you can't be in fandom and create something of your own as well.
(Side note: this isn't to say that being in fandom isn't worth anything. This isn't to say you have to be an actual artist to be worth anything. This is just saying you could, you can. Verb Noire created a small press because they wanted more genre fiction by PoC and LGBT authors, and about PoC and LGBT protagonists.)
I guess what I want to say is this: let's start a revolution. It might be a quiet one, a slow one, but I want us to have the place we deserve. I want Lyn-Z and Kitty to not be so rare that (misogynist asshole) security guards refuse to let them backstage after playing because somehow the drum sticks, the bass and the stage sweat still isn't enough to convince him they're not groupies. I want to be able to not flinch when I turn on MTV and there are music videos playing. (Come to think of it, I want more videos like Ciara's Like A Boy.) I want female musicians in bands to not be A Big Deal. I want female fans and techs and managers and performers to be respected. I want this to be our scene, in every sense of the word. One place to start is to buy that zine that made me write this. *points up* Another is to write some music. Another is to support female musicians. Another is just this: walk taller. This is our scene; this is our space.
ETA: Awesome recs in comments.
I've been a singer since I was two. That's something I say to people when they ask why I never tried smoking; that's something I say when someone wants to know what my hobbies or interests are, outside of academia and writing or whatever job I'm applying to at the moment. I've been singing since I was two, I've sung other people's songs on stage at graduations and larger concerts and outdoor music festivals. I'm not going to lie or pretend to be shy about it, not here, not right now: I'm good at it. I make stories real, on stage. It's similar to what makes me a good teacher—performance is about forgetting yourself and remembering that no matter what, the story is more important than you are.
Something else that people ask is why I never started a band. I usually laugh off that question, claiming my attention span was always too short to learn an instrument, and that my double-jointed fingers make it really complicated (and sometimes painful) to play piano or guitar. That's all true. But I know that's not the real reason.
As long as I don't turn my poems into songs, as long as I don't finish them, as long as I don't stand up on that stage with those words that are mine, I can keep hiding. Because here's the thing: I'm scared. I don't think I'm good enough, or pretty enough, or assertive enough. I don't think I could find a band who would want to make music for my lyrics, or even play my songs. Because I do write songs, I just pretend I don't.
I'm not writing that here because I want you to tell me that I am good enough/interesting enough/pretty enough. At this point, no one is more aware than I am that my self-image is a little out of whack. Trust me when I say I'm working on it, and anyway, that's not the point, not right now.
The point is that talented women are always scared. Talented women are always told they're not good enough or pretty enough to stand on the same stage as that man up there. We're taught to want them, not want to be them. I'm not ashamed to be a fan: I love this fandom and I'm really glad I discovered My Chemical Romance at the time that I did. I love that they exist, because they're fucking awesome and their music makes me so happy, and I'm profoundly grateful that they make it really fucking clear that they're feminists. I appreciate that in a band I love. It makes me less likely to get randomly nauseated by unexpected misogynist statements in interviews. (Ask me some other time about loving Bob Dylan's music but having tremendous issues with him as a person.)
At roughly the same time as I found Gerard Way and his merry band of darlings, I found the Dresden Dolls and Indigo Girls and Vienna Teng and Bikini Kill. I already knew about Ani DiFranco and Aretha Franklin and Beverley Knight and the Corrs and Adele and Alanis Morrisette and The Be Good Tanyas and Joan Baez and Fiona Apple and Christina Aguilera and Emmylou Harris and Eva Cassidy and Garbage and Hole and Janis Joplin and Melinda Doolittle and Joni Mitchell and Kate Bush and Lauryn Hill and Nina Simone. (Let's call these lists non-exhaustive, shall we?)
You know who else I found out about? Yeah. That bassist who plays in that crazy band and gets on stage to, as she puts it, make "being a woman in music seem a little less unusual and perhapes open the door to thinking it's something you could do too."
Lyn-Z Ballato, if I do start that band, it'll be because I heard you, more than I've heard anything anyone has said to me in the two years since I graduated college. In another interview, you said "Be the kind of woman you want to be, and be free to be that." I heard that too, and I've been walking taller since.
I lost track of my point again. What I meant to say when I started, is that women deserve a place in the scene. As fanfic writers, we are in some ways writing ourselves a less misogynist, more permissive, less homophobic space than the one that actually exists. And that's good, I love that, I love rewriting reality and I think it does create something real, but there's no reason that we can't have the rest as well.
Come to think of it, I shouldn't even have to say we deserve a place in the scene, behind the scenes, on the fucking stage if we want to be there. I don't even want to tell everyone to start a band (that's not the point either) but I do want, oh do I want, for all the talented women I keep meeting to realize that they are good enough to be up there. And let's take the metaphorical stage to mean whatever venue you want, shall we? An art gallery, a publishing company, a stage, it doesn't even matter. If you dream of creating something, then do it. Do it. I will buy it; I bet people on your flist will. There is no reason, no reason, that you can't be in fandom and create something of your own as well.
(Side note: this isn't to say that being in fandom isn't worth anything. This isn't to say you have to be an actual artist to be worth anything. This is just saying you could, you can. Verb Noire created a small press because they wanted more genre fiction by PoC and LGBT authors, and about PoC and LGBT protagonists.)
I guess what I want to say is this: let's start a revolution. It might be a quiet one, a slow one, but I want us to have the place we deserve. I want Lyn-Z and Kitty to not be so rare that (misogynist asshole) security guards refuse to let them backstage after playing because somehow the drum sticks, the bass and the stage sweat still isn't enough to convince him they're not groupies. I want to be able to not flinch when I turn on MTV and there are music videos playing. (Come to think of it, I want more videos like Ciara's Like A Boy.) I want female musicians in bands to not be A Big Deal. I want female fans and techs and managers and performers to be respected. I want this to be our scene, in every sense of the word. One place to start is to buy that zine that made me write this. *points up* Another is to write some music. Another is to support female musicians. Another is just this: walk taller. This is our scene; this is our space.
ETA: Awesome recs in comments.
no subject
YES. THIS.
no subject
no subject
Nothing will ever stop me from putting novelty ukulele covers on the internet, though.
Actually, there's another problem there, where I am only comfortable with putting "novelty" art out into the public view, but that's some navel-gazing for another time.
no subject
But I also sort of think a lot of musicians in actual bands are actually pretty bad at their instruments, and I know women are held to a higher standard, but sometimes it's okay to suck. (My mantra at the moment, let me show you it.
That's fucking awesome, and you should never stop. Also, just so you know? If you lived in Stockholm, I would tell you that we should make some music.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
no subject
no subject
This post has just prompted me to go and look up two of my favorite female-fronted bands, Little Fish and Sonic Boom Six
Pessimistically it even sometimes seems like we're going backwards in terms of female punk and indie, at least in the 90s we had Skunk Anansie and Elastica and Hole... but women like Amanda Palmer and Kitty and Lyn-Z give me hope.
Edited to say: I just found podcasts of a great internet radio show that only plays female-led music. It's called Suck My Left One
no subject
Augh, tell me about it. Female rock singers were mainstream then, you know? I was pretty young, but it meant a lot to have all of them out there. And there are so many women making music today, I actually think what has changed the most is the coverage--we don't get to see them as much. I want, no, need that to change so badly.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
no subject
no subject
no subject
I love how this is meta and call to action and joyful reveling in love of good music all at once. I have zero musical ability (seriously, all the natural rhythm of a drunken water buffalo and a singing voice that can only be described as 'atonal' all in one awesome package \0/) and still this had me walking taller. Anyway, just wanted to drop a comment saying, 'yes! yay! thanks!'
no subject
That's pretty much exactly what I was trying to do, and I'm so glad it worked! And hey, you're a writer--I may have been writing about music (it's our fandom, you know), but being creative isn't restricted to that venue. Seriously, thank you so much for taking the time to let me know this hit you like that; I'm kind of grinning a lot right now. ♥
no subject
no subject
(no subject)
no subject
The point is that talented women are always scared. that's (as I'm sure you know) unfortunately true of areas a lot broader than music. But the sentiment to everything you said is still completely YES. We can fight to make these spaces our own.
no subject
no subject
security guards refuse to let them backstage after playing because somehow the drum sticks, the bass and the stage sweat still isn't enough to convince him they're not groupies
WHAT. WHAT???
no subject
It's from the Lyn-Z interview in the zine--apparently, once when Lyn-Z and Kitty were getting off stage, a security guard tried to not let them go backstage because, you know, they're WOMEN, they must be there to fuck the lead guitarist or something. *seethes* A more female-friendly scene would be, uh, nice.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
no subject
no subject
no subject
I got here from
no subject
It's really unbelievably important to not just have someone to look up to, but someone we believe we can be, you know? They make me so, so happy too.
no subject
Also, speaking of music videos, have you seen If I Were a Boy by Beyonce?
no subject
I have, and I love it, too, it's fantastic and sad and feels really true--I went with Ciara's because of the dancing in it, really--it's such a literal illustration of taking back space.
no subject
I will write more tomorrow when I am fully awake and (marginally) more coherent. But basically, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. ♥___♥
no subject
no subject
Launching into the personal, people look at me cross-eyed when I proclaim myself to be a feminist, and some of my acquaintances have said that's the only time they've ever seen me come across as militant, which is just bullshit. How is defending a place - some breathing/creative space for women militant? Thank you for writing this, you've articulated so much of what I want to say, better than I could put it.
no subject
Oh, I hear you. I'm the nice girl, the sweet girl, the calm one, and when I say I'm a feminist or when I talk about sexism, there are definitely people who are taken aback by the change in my demeanor. I mean, clearly we should be satisfied by now, we can even work and vote and stuff, right? I'm glad this resonated with you.
no subject
I still haven't come up with something intelligent to say about this except, yes, this.
no subject
Didn't I say you could respond however you wanted? I will so take this response, for it is very happy-making. I'm really glad it resonated with you, I really am. ♥
no subject
no subject
(no subject)
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
I am trying to find the wors to express how this made me feel; I sat up and thought yes, this and I wanted to laugh and cry and jump around. And for once I didn't feel silly about wanting to laugh and cry and jump around. Still, I'm not saying what I want to. I'm still kind of flail-y and incoherent. But thank you, thank you for this.
LET'S START A REVOLUTION. Hell yeah.
(The fact that saddens me the most is, there are people who would read this and ask God, what are they whining about? We let them vote, we let them play instruments, women go to work now, just like men. What's the problem? and wouldn't listen when you explained that none of those things are the point. And then accuse you and me and everyone else who's commented of overreacting and aking everything too seriously. It's enough to make me want to cry.)
Sadness aside, I'm taking the words I've read here, and I'm going to carry them around while I walk a little bit taller. *nods*
no subject
*hugs* I'm so, so glad it struck you that way. This was, in many ways, so very easy to write and so very difficult to post. It was easy because I knew, I knew exactly what I wanted to say. It was difficult to post because I had no idea how people would react; I certainly never expected this kind of reaction.
*pulls you into the march* Hell yeah. We're here, and we're not fucking leaving.
(Yeah, I know. This is also, of course, not just a problem for female musicians. It makes me so furious to think of those who would like me to settle when it's so easy to see we're not done.)
That is really, really good to hear. And yes, yes, do that--your scene, your space. You have no reason not to, no matter what they'd like you to believe.
I spilled my guts online, ask me how!
Re: I spilled my guts online, ask me how!
Re: I spilled my guts online, ask me how!
Re: I spilled my guts online, ask me how!