harborshore: (Default)
harborshore ([personal profile] harborshore) wrote2010-04-01 11:01 am

on eating in company

Short meta on eating and the pressure women put on one another. As usual, I'm starting from myself, I make no claim to have all the answers, and I'm very open to be disagreed with. Warnings: mention of very severe eating disorder without discussing it in detail.

ETA: as [livejournal.com profile] unlurkster points out, this isn't even about weight, so I took the word out of the first sentence above.



There was a moment during the Israel trip that I particularly liked: Saturday night, when sitting down to dinner with four other women in all shapes and sizes and ordering food, I suddenly realized none of us had made a comment sounding anything like "I really want that, but I shouldn't--" or "Are you sure you want to eat that?" and fuck, it was such a relief. We just ordered! One of us had a tofu salad, one of us had lasagna, one of us had pasta, one of us had a goat cheese sandwich (ME, and it was EXCELLENT), and one of us had vegetable soup. It was done, just like that.

Because this isn't about what you eat. This is about judging someone else based on what they're eating or feeling like you're failing at something because you're on a diet or because you're not on a diet, because I just--every woman I know has some kind of body image issue. Every woman I know. They range in severity, but still. We really could stand to skip the part where we make each other feel guilty about what we eat (the lunches at my old job, for instance, were hell on earth), because the last thing we need is to make food more difficult.

I recognize the incredible privilege I've had of growing up in a house where food was a joyful thing, a healthy thing, something we loved and enjoyed. Dad's sister nearly died from anorexia when she was sixteen and mom was a dancer--those two things together made them try very hard to keep food being not scary. I wish I could give others that feeling. Barring empathy manifesting as a Heraldic power (yes, I read Mercedes Lackey at fourteen), I want to ask at least this much: is there a way that we can keep from making it worse for others? Accept people's food choices, let them eat without feeling guilty about it being a salad/a hamburger/a dessert? Maybe?

[identity profile] extemporally.livejournal.com 2010-04-01 09:03 am (UTC)(link)
Oh man, I am 100% behind this post. Hearing stories like this make me both incredulous (I've been so lucky as to be in not just a family, but an environment, be that school or work, where eating is relatively angst-free) and sad, because -- why? The situation which you describe is -- it's ridiculous and it isn't healthy.

One thing I wouldn't agree about, though, is maybe what you named your tag. It isn't even about weight. Like you said, it's a body issue.
ext_3762: girl reading outside in sunshine (Default)

[identity profile] harborshore.livejournal.com 2010-04-01 11:52 am (UTC)(link)
Shame and guilt are just--why would anyone ever want to pass on their own issues in that way? Because honestly, I feel like that's what it is, with the commenting on others' food especially. I want to talk about food in terms of how great it tastes and how good it looks and smells, I mean, seriously.

You're right! And realizing that made me really happy, actually. I went back and edited. Thank you. ♥