on eating in company

[harborshore]

Short meta on eating and the pressure women put on one another. As usual, I'm starting from myself, I make no claim to have all the answers, and I'm very open to be disagreed with. Warnings: mention of very severe eating disorder without discussing it in detail.

ETA: as unlurkster points out, this isn't even about weight, so I took the word out of the first sentence above.



There was a moment during the Israel trip that I particularly liked: Saturday night, when sitting down to dinner with four other women in all shapes and sizes and ordering food, I suddenly realized none of us had made a comment sounding anything like "I really want that, but I shouldn't--" or "Are you sure you want to eat that?" and fuck, it was such a relief. We just ordered! One of us had a tofu salad, one of us had lasagna, one of us had pasta, one of us had a goat cheese sandwich (ME, and it was EXCELLENT), and one of us had vegetable soup. It was done, just like that.

Because this isn't about what you eat. This is about judging someone else based on what they're eating or feeling like you're failing at something because you're on a diet or because you're not on a diet, because I just--every woman I know has some kind of body image issue. Every woman I know. They range in severity, but still. We really could stand to skip the part where we make each other feel guilty about what we eat (the lunches at my old job, for instance, were hell on earth), because the last thing we need is to make food more difficult.

I recognize the incredible privilege I've had of growing up in a house where food was a joyful thing, a healthy thing, something we loved and enjoyed. Dad's sister nearly died from anorexia when she was sixteen and mom was a dancer--those two things together made them try very hard to keep food being not scary. I wish I could give others that feeling. Barring empathy manifesting as a Heraldic power (yes, I read Mercedes Lackey at fourteen), I want to ask at least this much: is there a way that we can keep from making it worse for others? Accept people's food choices, let them eat without feeling guilty about it being a salad/a hamburger/a dessert? Maybe?

Comments

[wethepainted.livejournal.com]

This, yes. I'm thankful that most of the friends I usually hang out with don't feel the need for "I shouldn't..." statements. People making negative comments about what's on other people's plates is something I can't understand at all.

I was actually thinking about this some two weeks ago when a friend asked me if I was coming to eat lunch with them and then before I could answer she jokingly continued with "Sorry, I forgot you live on coffee and air". I could tell she didn't mean any harm by it, but I realised that my best friend often uses statements like that with less sincerely joking tones and guilts me about not eating more. There has been times when I've eaten way more than I wanted to just so I wouldn't be the cause of her getting self-conscious about eating more than I do. (Theoretically I know her issues are her own and I can't help my small appetite, but at the same time I'm protective and want to keep her from hurt.)

Other thing I can't understand are eating disorder speculations. They're stressful, coming from family or friends, especially when I'm so clear about loving food and being comfortable with the any shape my body takes.

Gosh, sorry, I didn't mean to ramble. Anyway, thanks for this post. ♥

[harborshore.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's hard. Especially when it's someone you care about that much. I don't know, maybe cook together? Talk about what you like about the food? God, I hate that women do this to themselves (society does it to them, I don't mean it's their fault, you know what I mean), it's just really sad.

I'm of two minds about this. Eating disorder speculations can be incredibly strange and hurtful (when I had braces and lived on mashed potatoes for two months of the most intense treatment, people definitely asked me about it), but at the same time I had a friend with an eating disorder, and so it's hard to look away now when you see the possible signs, you know? Because there are questions I should have asked, then. Like, why was she losing hair, why was she eating less, why was she--you know. But if you're clear about loving food and if you sit your family down and have the conversation about the fact that it's hard for you when they do that, maybe? I don't know. (Sorry about the unsolicited advice, I'm very good at doing that.)

Ramble all you like! I talked enough in return. ♥

[wethepainted.livejournal.com]

Thankfully she's slowly working on losing her worst worries about food so she hasn't made any comments in a while. If it comes up later, we'll talk about it. We actually try to cook as often as possible when she comes over, a habit formed when I wanted to make sure she ate something without pressuring her, and it's good. It's fun like food is supposed to be.

Oh, I get that. I think what bothers me about the times I've heard speculations about my eating habits is how they were dealt with, the gossip-y nature of them. If a friend or my family had just come up and had an honest conversation with me, I would have appreciated their concern, really. Sincere concern about someone's well-being is a whole another deal and I think it's part of caring about someone, the way you (general you) keep an eye out for possible worries and such.

No need for apologizing, the advice is appreciated. :) If the subject comes up again with my family, I'll tell them that I don't worry about my weight so they shouldn't either, and that comments about the amount or the type of food I eat are only making me self-conscious about it. Also, maybe they could buy fruit more often because we never have any apples when I get a craving. *g*